Will I....??

It's 1am. 32 hours away from yet another Dental Materials test. What is wrong with me? A wasted weekend, a wasted monday night and another wasted cup of coffee. Where have you been Mr. Motivation? You elusive piece of s***!! I've only briefly seen you in my early secondary school life...you left as quietly as you came. Hold on..am I in self denial?? Am I making excuses to comfort myself, blaming it on "motivation"? Hmmm...maybe I am, maybe I'm just plain lazy...why is it that everytime it's close to exams or when the results come back to mock me, do I feel like this?

Sure, India has been a wild experience, a simple life. It's no where compared to KL, unless you were born in the late 40s. Oh how beautiful KL has become, with a humble home at the junction of Lorong Jarak. Its only two and a half time zones away, about 1/6 away around the world. But thats no excuse. I'm not the best student here, not even in my small class. I want to be, but reality is I cant go with this kind of attitude. In fact, I'll never get anywhere in life with this kind of attitude.

It's nothing to do with motivation. Since primary school days, we've been told to wear our uniforms neatly, keep our hair short, dont talk while the teacher is teaching, finish your homework, sleep early, wake up early, line up upon entering class, bow when you greet a teacher etc. Then you reach secondary shcool, pretty much the same, keep your nails short, keep a gel-free hairdo, dont sleep in class, dont skip class, and the list goes on. Its the same for scouts or any society for that matter, 10 push-ups per missing item of your full uniform, 10 push-ups per minute late to fall-in. And if your lucky, frog jump round the 'tapak', yipee!

Why go through the torture? Why do we follow stupid rules? Why must we always listen to the Penolong Kanan Hal Ehwal Murid? Fear of public caning? Hmmm...no no. I guess one word can sum it up. Besides academic reasons, discipline completes the word "education". Its one thing that I've never really aquired. I've obeyed, but thats it. The message was always clear. Even at home it was clear, my father's stern face will I never forget. It has occured way too often...

Discipline doesnt exactly hit the right spot. Its self-discipline. All those years of education, I've only managed a handful of As...which has all been forgotten and might I add, quite useless at this point of time. It doesnt matter whether you come from Catholic High School or SMK Pulau Ketam, it's how much you absorb and aquire at the end of it that really matters. Its what makes you persevere in the future. Its the "stuff" that matters in life. Not to mention when your doing a course like BDS or MBBS or any other course I presume.

Still which brings me back to my age old complain...Why won't I study? I mean, I have what I need, and I have what I want (almost...). A nice laptop to use, a nice table, a chair, a lamp in a single, spacious, fully air-conditioned room. Loads of maggi mee in my larder, pineapple tarts, oreos...and oh, not to mention a temporary new roommate from Perak...haha. (He's sleeping btw, using my extra blankett too!)

SIGH...

Here I am typing this entry, my book is still staring at me. Its mocking my laziness damn it! Look, its doing it again! You know whats my problem? I complain too much...my father had much tougher times when he was a student, and he doesnt complain at all, in fact, he doesnt like to talk about it. But look where he is now, and he didnt get there by complaining. I respect him wholely, and I'll be glad if I become half of what he is, rather, what he's made out of. People say I look like him, thats about the closest I get to being something like him. I'm proud to be his son, and to have brothers whom I look up to. I know I can be among them, I'm not that far I think...

Right now...it all begins with this stupid green book in front of me. It's not too late to stuff what I need to know for the coming test. Oh I will do it. I'm somewhat a rebel...but mostly a rebel for other non-important things. Not this time though...I've studied the chapters before, I can do it again. I have to tame my inner demons, show them who's boss. It isnt easy being far away from home, I guess it makes you more mature, but only if you manage to battle through it. The reward is more than just a certificate or knowledge or character.....it's blissful wisdom....

SIGH

This clearly isn't just a class test, whatever it is...I will get it right this time....will I...??